I Swear Upon My Black Eyeliners

that I will make it to Germany this year.

By the way, I'm quite under pressure. My lecturer keeps on saying:

"Sekarang dah ada yang hampir lawan Izzati"

"Hari ni Izzati pun banyak salah"

"Lain kali jangan bagi Izzati menang"

Although she said it mainly to motivate the others, I couldn't help feeling like an outcast. Nobody likes me. =(

But the most touching:

"One can also fail exams, you know. Especially when they think they're so clever."

She said it when after giving back a corrected letter I wrote. Of course I do mistakes. Who could write a perfect letter? Maybe after a few corrections, yes. Plus I like to experiment with words when I do exercises. Of course I use it wrongly sometimes.

But I do admit that I did quite a lot of careless, grammatical errors. But I have Attention Deficit Disorder. My attention tends to ebb away after a short while. I need to to meditate, maybe? Or even do yoga. Bole kurus. Hee.

Why oh Whyyy. Part 2

I lost my only pair of Nike running shoes yesterday. Frustation. I've never lost anything that are worth more than RM100 before, so when I noticed my shoes are stolen I was quite devastated. It wasn't a case of carelessness too. Yesterday when I came back, I left my shoes outside the door, but inside the steel gate. This morning, when I was getting out of the house I noticed they are missing. I called my sister to ask, but she said she never saw my shoes before the door when she came back from work. This means that they are already gone since yesterday afternoon.The thief was very bold so as to reach in and take the shoes when I was inside. I wasn't asleep but I heard nothing, too. What bugs me is that I've already had an instinct, saying my shoes will go missing if I left them where they are. But I didn't succumb to the feeling, like we normal human always did. Only when they were gone did I regret not doing what my heart told me to.

I made up a list of what I want to have before I fly off. While I was making mental notes on what to buy, I thought about a few acquaintances who I felt were stupid. As follows:

Dialog 1

He: Hey, I lost my glasses.
Me: Really? Where did you last see it?
He: In my hotel room, I think. On the bedside table.
Me: Ow. Nothing you can do, then. Unless you wanted to go back and fetch it again.
He: Nevermind.
Me: Can you see?
He: Yes I can. Those aren't powered lenses. But they have this really high UV protection.
Me: Really? Who told you?
He: The salesperson, of course.
Me: How much is high?
He: I don't know. They say the glasses have high UV protection. Protects your eyes, you know, from the sun. So I bought it. To protect my eyes.

I just looked away.

Dialog 2

My phone rang. It was this person.
He: Hey, I'm at an accessories shop. I wanted to buy this crystal bracelet. Should I buy it? It costs RM25.
Me: Why ask me? It's your money.
He: Of course I wanted to ask you. This salesgirl said it would help me manage my anger. You know, if I'm less angry at you, it would be better for both of us.
Me: Have you tested it? Try holding the beads in you fist. Do you feel anything?
He: What should I feel?
Me: They say to test if a crystal is genuine, you will have a prickly feeling in your hands when you hold them.
He: Really? I don't know. I might feel something.
Me: Don't move it around in your hands. Just hold it.
He: I think I am feeling something.
Me: Don't THINK. Feel.
He: Yes. I think I feel it. So. Should I buy this?
Me: Listen to me. If you wanted to buy that thing, just buy. Don't ask me because you're always gonna blame me later.
He: No, I won't blame you!
Me: Okay fine. Whatever. But it's better if you don't buy. You haven't got a lot of money now, right?
He: Yeah. But wouldn't it be good if I buy this?
Me: I don't even believe if the thing works.
He: (asking the salesgirl) Kakak, do this thing work?
Of course the kakak said yes.
He: She said it does work!
Me: Ok fine. If you want to buy, then buy.
He: I buy, okay?
Me: Fine, fine. Buy.
Call ended.

A few days later, we fought. Like Chun Li and Jet Li. Ha Ha. Only I was Chun Li when she ran out of energy. During which the bracelet snaps and the beads run all over the floor. He threw what was left on his hand to my face, saying:

He: This is the bracelet you told me to buy!

I TOLD him to buy? I told him to? Idiot. He wanted to buy that thing himself!

Me: I told you this stupid thing won't work.

He fell silent.

Why do people fell victim to the lies of salespeople?
They wanted to SELL, for God's sake. Of course they tell you all the sweet things.

My Day.

I heard all of the French students passed their B2 DeLF exams. Congratulations. You'll all go to France.

This is the complete opposite of Schadenfreude. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Lately I don't want to be alone. Fear and remorse haunt my mind. With nowhere else to run I am forced to remain. Years will pass by before I am able to forget my failures. What I have done wrong. What I have chosen. What forced me to make those false choices. What I could've done. Where I could've been.

What makes me go on is the thought that I will be fine. Things will gonna be OK. Although I don't believe it enough pun sebenarnya.

Enough. Let's talk about happier things! Though I should be happy or not, I don't know... ;)

I am back at my sisters' again today. It was hot on the way to and back from the train station. So I went and took the short way that goes through the compound of the condo opposite my sisters'. The condo's management, however, have installed this new security system that requires residents to bring a freaking access card even when they are only going to 7-Eleven 143 steps away. Plus they employed newly-arrived guards from Nepal (well, they look like Nepalese) who speak only mumbling English, few Malay and of course, their own mother tongue. I'm not a good writer - I couldn't describe the way they talk, but you can imagine.

And so. I climbed a small staircase and arrived at the small pedestrian gate. I waited, because I don't want to address the guards directly - it is THEIR job to notice if somebody is standing outside the gate. Plus I already saw that the is gate closed when I was at the foot of the stairs, and I stamped my feet all my way up so I can have their ready attention upon my arrival. But they failed to do so. I mean, they aren't doing anything anyway. Which brings me to wonder, what do guards do while they are guarding? Swiss guards, Buckingham palace guards, yes, they can pretend to stand guard while having their pictures taken by tourists. But here? Do they read comics? Or maybe solve maths questions? I think they are just hovering around, looking at us closely, pretending to do their jobs while actually checking us out. (Not that I say I'm worth checking out lah. Tee hee hee.)

Well, back to the story. I waited for about ten seconds (tgh panas ni ok) then only the guard turns to me. The story goes as follows:

Guard (looking at me dumbly): Access card?
Me: Oh. U need access card now? I have none. So this mean I couldn't go this way?
Guard: Ok, ok, no problem. Why no access card? Blok mana?
Me: I'm actually from Bayu 1.
Guard: Oh, Bayu 1, no problem. Tulis dulu.
Me: Tulis apa? (with a leceh-betul-la-korang-ni face)
Guard: Ok, ok, tak tulis, no problem.

He beeps the gate open. I went in. Suddenly-

Guard: You Punjabi? (at least dats what I think he's saying)

Still. Punjabi? Waddeheck?
But I answered him anyway.

Me: No, I'm Malay.
Guard: Malay? Not Punjabi?
Me: No. (half-smile, half grimace)
Guard: jkdgfsbvvnumccmewnebwguwbwjbvwdlcndjff.
Me: OK. (nodding with same expression etched on my face) Thank you.

And I walked away.

I'm told I have traces of Arabic features on my face. Now I know they were all DEAD wrong. I actually look like a Punjab.

What a bright, sunny day.

*DeLF B2 is equal to German Mittelstufe 2. Though now we call M2, B2 jugak. The exam I'll be taking this May is B1 = Zertifikat Deutsch. Kacang botoi? Ha ha. Dulu pernah jgk tak pas.

Dulu Comel, Sekarang Comot

1. Ketika tadika, saya seringkali lambat ke kelas kerana bangun lambat. Walaupun kata pepatah sering menyatakan bahawa "lenturlah buluh biar dari rebungnya" tapi saya telah pun menjadi buluh yang liat sejak saya masih rebung lagi. Tadika akan bermula pukul 8 pagi. Emak saya yang ketika itu mengajar di SK Green Road, Kuching, Sarawak (kelas sesi petang) akan mengangkat saya masuk ke dalam bilik air untuk membangunkan saya. Saya sangatlah degil.
2. Sesungguhnya ustazah yang mengajar saya di Tadika Az-Zahrah, Kem Penrissen, Kuching, Sarawak telah pun fed-up dengan perangai saya ketika itu. Pada suatu hari, saya lambat seperti biasa. Pukul 9 pagi barulah saya sampai di tadika yang terletak di hujung kawasan perumahan kami. Saya pun mengetuk pintu dengan macho. "Assalamualaikum~!" kata saya. Seketika saya menunggu jawapan ustazah yang telah saya lupakan namanya. Sekejapan itu saya terdengar: "Dah pukul 9 dahh!!" kata ustazah saya. Saya terkejut. Dengan hati yang lara saya pun pergi lah balik ke rumah. Sepanjang jalan saya menangis.
3. Bila sampai di rumah emak saya pun bertanya dengan garang. "Kenapa balik ni?" Saya pun menjawab dengan berkata: "Ustazah tak bagi masuk!" Lepas itu saya pun masuk ke bilik dan sambung tido.
4. Besok harinya, saya tidak lagi pergi ke tadika. Saya happy je, walaupun tak dapat sijil graduasi tadika, dan tidak dapat ambil gambar dengan topi yang ala-ala topi degree itu, saya dah lupa namanya. Lagipun saya dah pun pandai membaca dan menulis sejak umur saya 5 tahun. Emak saya yang ajar dengan cara menulis suku kata di dinding.
5. Dua hari kemudian ustazah saya pun datang ke rumah kerana risau saya ponteng. Saya yang pergi buka pintu. Bila saya nampak sahaja ustazah saya, saya terus berlari dengan pantas ke dalam bilik. Bahu saya terlanggar dinding, namun saya tahan juga kesakitannya demi dapat melarikan diri. Saya bertindak tangkas, mengunci pintu dan melompat ke atas katil. Seketika kemudian terdengar jeritan emak saya. "Zatii, nak tadika lagi tak?" katanya. Saya pun apa lagi, seperti orang mengantuk disorongkan bantal lah. Segera saya menyahut; "Tak nakk!"
6. Bermula itu saya pun tidak lagi pergi ke tadika.

Why oh Whyyy.

I am currently undergoing a really frustating phase. I need an escape route. I need to tell someone whatever crossed into my mind at that precise moment. I couldn't stop myself. I am embarassed at times but I simply don't stop myself. I tried writing in a diary but since I am lazier than ever before, I couldn't write longer than 5 minutes.

I have a housemate named N. I tell her everything. I didn't listen to anybody, I just want ppl to listen to me. Geez. Bengang sendiri.

The Indicator of the Closeness to Reality

Wenn ich nicht ich wäre
wäre ich nicht hier.

If a teacher were a student, he / she would also day-dream in class.

Good. This shows I understand the subjunctive. But subjunctive as an indicator of the closeness to reality? No. It merely is a way to express wishes while showing the world that you know it is only a wish.
It is also used hypothetically. I can imagine, too, a mechanics question with lots of wäre and würde.

I can imagine, too, a diary entry.