Another end, another beginning

Tomorrow I go back to the university for the start of my final year. One last semester at the teacher training institute, then off I go to school for practicum. Then the wait for the call for posting. Which I'm sure is going to be a long one.
This semester break is by far the most eventful. I met old friends, reconnected. I took charge of a lot of things- it was small scale I know but it was a start... I feel like I'm starting to grow up, and though it's like a budding root trying to break through the surface of the soil, it's still a start.

It's raining.

It's gloomy and melancholic so I'll give in to my heartache.

Kereta api Pemikiran

Faculty organised a charity event with anak-anak yatim Rumah Kebajikan Anak Yatim Al-Khairiyah Batu 1 1/2, Sungai Pinang, Klang. It was in May, I think.
Rumah okay. Bilik macam dorm. Tapi mungkin kurang selesa bila ramai-ramai cuma share tiga, empat shower dan tandas. Anak-anak solat berjemaah setiap waktu. Bukan anak yatim saja di sini. Anak-anak orang miskin pun ada. Anak-anaknya dah biasa dengan tetamu. Saja-saja je diorang datang dan duduk atas riba. Nampak budak berbaju biru dalam gambar? Nama dia dah lupa lah. Panggil Afiq lah. Hehe
Afiq degil. Suka jauhkan diri. Kalau kena duduk dalam kumpulan, tak pernahnya reti duduk sekali. Dia duduk di belakang dewan. Sorang-sorang. Tapi nampak kasih sayangnya pada adik-adik yang muda. Kami satu kumpulan. Main musical chair, kita hantar dua wakil. Bila musik berhenti, Afiq dapat kerusi. Ahli kumpulan kita yang lagi satu, yang lagi kecik, tak dapat. Cepat-cepat dia bangun dan dudukkan budak tu atas kerusi. Kiranya dia terkeluarlah. Terus aku bagi air ribena sekotak. Dia ingat orang tak nampak.
Kalau ada aktiviti dia memang ikut serta. Tapi tak mahu mesra dengan orang. Dengan adik-adik je dia okay. Bila panggil duduk sebelah, dia datang. Bila panggil amik gambar, macam tu lah. Malu tapi mau. Ke tak mau. Tak tahu T___T
Di akhir hari, kumpulan kita menang tiga hamper. Dia dengan seorang lagi share satu hamper. Terus buka nak dibahagi-bahagi makanan dalam tu. Kebetulan masa tu dah di luar dewan, isteri pengetua rumah nampak dan kata, "Bagi lah bonda sikit," terus dia bagi. Dia cuma ambil biskut sekotak. Yang lain habis dia bagi-bagikan. Aku suruh simpan, nanti lapar, malam-malam, makanlah. 

Dia jawab, "Kak, kitorang tak perlukan semua ni."

Heartbreak.

Oh ya, salah satu sponsornya Mayang Sari Resort, terima kasih!

Kecil je nama di nombor enam T__T

People in their 20s build their dreams, people in their 30s achieve them

Nowadays scrolling down the Facebook homepage can lead to emotional distress. I saw a senior in school being congratulated for her solo exhibition at an art gallery. A friend who shared desks with me at school set up her own company and is reaping the profits. The others are working, gaining recognition, are proudly displaying their offspring. Hahaha. That is an achievement of its own, okay? Watching schoolmates, old friends and acquaintances building their dreams and being successful at it makes me feel so hopeless in my own endless struggle. Of course, less people post about their failures so I can feel a tiny wee bit superior. They share happy moments which of course, warmed a part of my heart when I see it -

Well famous quotes are right, all that seizing the day stuff - you live the moment, hakuna matata, carpe diem. Sebab if you want to do a thing, find time to do it now, squeeze it into your schedules, sbb nanti in future you would regret not doing it.
But at the same time, that quote 'things happen for a reason' is also true. My faith even depends on believing it. Even knowing this I need to whine once in a while. Duh

I went to KUSESS for a one-week visit. Observed German language classes, luckily the students' socks didn't smell that bad. And their mistakes were so damn funny. I must exercise care not to laugh at my future student's mistakes. Anyway. I had a micro-teaching session and my heart dropped at the prospect of me failing miserably as a teacher.
I thought my methods are good enough, my exercises good enough, explanations clear enough. Though fairly speaking, it was my first time taking the role of a teacher, and there's always that infinite room for improvement. But delivering the things you learnt theoretically and making sure other real, living people with different psychological traits and learning styles are gaining from it is a big deal weh. I explained a bit of grammar, turned away from the white board and was met with blank faces. My brain was whirring hysterically with 'what do I do now?' Those were my friends I was teaching, whose German language abilities matches mine. What about schoolkids? Form 1 students who wasn't even sure why they were sitting there in the first place?

I heard from another fellow who was doing his practical, that he lost interest in the job after a month. There's this big looming shadow that's waiting to engulf me in the same dark state...
Anyway. One thing that's sure to motivate me is the need to see that what I started will gain compliments. hahaha. I'm vain. I want to be recognized for my efforts. I want people to tell me I did a good job, to feel that satisfaction when my teachlings (? too lazy to think of a better word) are able to function by themselves. So I must teach them well. If they don't want to learn, I'll put them in a headlock and force them to swallow things whole. There's no escaping the fact that most of the teachers themselves are responsible for failures in the syllabus / programs / curricula / visions missions and stuff. Not many are ready to change from their usual norms.

Of course, I'm young, hot-blooded and motivated, almost roaringly waiting at the starting line. Let's pray that I'll be forever young, hot-blooded and motivated for the rest of my teaching career. However long that lasts. Hey, I want to be rich too...

I guess I should've just updated the last post but I don't want to. Haha i want more counts

So a female singer broke up with her boyfriend and expressed her ache. What interested me was the comments. A lot was supporting her, telling the others not to judge. Other people mocked. A lot of men left "don't be sad, I'm here' comments lol
But this shows how people actually react to your expression of your problems, right? She's a public figure, so of course reactions to her are also public. If i were to post about my own feelings online, not a lot would comment, but they would have an opinion about that post, though I'm sure most would keep it to themselves.
Let's assume every one had gone through a break up. Or a heart ache. Or lost something. Or a dead pet. People would want to whine, to drop a tear. I surely cried when my pet rabbit died! Boo hoo. Anyway. You would want words of comfort. Look at babies. They screamed their lungs out until an adult comes and fuss over them. That's our nature. But right now we're not babies anymore. We need comforting, true. But one should avoid excessiveness.

How far do we go in caring for others?

Everybody has their own bundle of problems. Some choose to keep it to themselves. Some tell their closest, hoping for encouragements and most of the time expecting help. Some tell only the people they think can help. You can't help but be consumed with the problems during the time you're facing them. Your world revolved around it, you can't push it to the back of your minds, you worry, you're sad, you look at other people and think, "How can they be happy when I'm not?"

Truth be told, no one actually cares. Okay maybe that's a bit harsh, let me rephrase. Not all people around you actually cares that you're having a problem. Those affected, maybe yes. Maybe people who are in your immediate circle. Your parents, definitely. But the others, even those who know that you're facing problems, how much do you think they care?

And if you say they do, let's say they lent an ear, how far would they go to helping you? Let's pass over sincerity, since it's in the heart and can't be seen, therefore let's not assume that people helping others have some other motives in mind - we could never know for sure.

Let's look at ourselves. We see people sharing their / others problems on social networks. We think, 'poor you', 'poor kid', 'poor things', we click Like, we comment 'ala kesiannya', 'takziah' and stuff; sometimes we click on Share. But how much of that actually contributes to the solving of the problem, the soothing of the heart? Do we actually go out of the way and offer help, offer something that could brighten up the mind and take it off the problem for one second? There's another problem, too. In a book I read, a neighbourhood is known to bring casseroles to a house in which something bad happened. It's a physical offering, true, but there's no heart in it, you do things you think are necessary then wash your hands off the matter, thinking; 'I'm a good person, I've done my part in the society, I should leave them alone and not be bothered either'.

Most of the time we just feel suffocated. We see the timeline rolling, other people venting and we think 'do they think I want to know this?' After the initial empathy - supported by the redundancy of posts - we would just feel annoyed. Because your problems are not my problems, please share it only with the people who are concerned. Try Google+. ;)

This is not an Ad, btw.

No Sass at All

I've noticed that the previous blog post is dated exactly one year and two days after the last post. A total one year absence. People might think I was dead.
I am however forever grateful that I am still alive and breathing. It's just that I found other people's blog posts I read have evolved into amazing pieces of writing - much too different from my own incoherent ramblings. Most have found their footing, playing to their strengths and developing skills as they blog. I for one, have not.
I know for one thing, that my writings are rubbishy. Proof was, my lecturer gave me a C for an assignment. And this is the third time I'm whining about it online.
There's a grain of dust stuck under the key 'i'. Wait a bit while I get it out ikkuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuiiijjjjjjjjjjjjjjiijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjiiiiiukiiiiuiiiuiijiiiiiiiiiiiiijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjuuuuuuuuuiiuuuiiiiiiiiihiiijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghjhhhhhhhhhhuiiiijjjhhhhhhhhhhhhuyhhhhkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiijjjjjjjjjjjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjuiiiiiuuiiooiiikjui8888888yyuiokjhyuiohjkiiiiiooiiiii

Phew. In the end I didn't know what got stuck. I did fish out a lot of dead skin cells that have accumulated into dust kittens, though.
Anyway, I guess my writing was at the same 'takuk' as two, three years ago. My vocabulary hasn't improved. My ideas haven't developed much, too. As a start, I guess I should change my reading materials. Opt for something the average adult my age likes, perhaps. Get my hands on some non-fiction. Widen my interests. And move my ass and get things done.

Anyway. Last year I think I may have found new love. But nothing's for sure. See you.

I got Kittehs!

Hello!

I got three kittens! Nanti update and upload gambar. Mase mak dia beranakkan anak-anak dia tiga ora ekor tu, I watched. She was in my room at that time. Muka mak dia pasrah je masa beranak tu, but she safely delivered one white, one brownish cream and one spotted kitten. They're almost a month old now and have started jumping around. I kinda love them to bits.

My source of info for all things catty is this blog
Their names are Blondie, Babykuch and Petlah. Hehe. I named them all. I wanted to name Petlah 'Aubergine' but its not purple. Its name was changed a few times already.
Blondie knows me, always stops in its tracks and look up at me with a freaking cute expression whenever I pass by. Babykuch is a coward who walks in reverse upon seeing something new, and is Petlah's fave punchbag. Petlah is quite rude - it slapped the catmom's face whenever she tried to lick it clean. That explains the dirty butt.
Their genders are yet to be determined. I don't see any balls yet lol. I want a boy kitten!